i wonder what it's like to be an orphan..

"THE WILL OF GOD WILL NEVER TAKE YOU WHERE THE GRACE OF GOD WILL NOT PROTECT YOU."

I opened my e-mail this morning and read Don’s forwarded message. I don’t usually read forwards, and boy do I hate SPAM! But this wasn’t SPAM at all. It was a prayer, and a prayer I very much need right now.

It is difficult being the only “Christian” in your family.

I grew up in a traditional, conservative Catholic household. My parents, like their parents before them, were baptized into the Roman Catholic faith. It is a choice that has since been passed on to my brother and I, and in turn my nephews. My mother’s faith is quite admirable. Despite the many twists and turns of our widely unpredictable lives, she has remained rooted in her beliefs. I know I can never seek to change my mother.. But that doesn’t mean I’m not even going to bother trying. ;) My father, on the other hand, is more “progressive” in his beliefs. He believes religion is something personal between you and your God. Then again, tradition always gets the better of him.

For the past 2 weeks, I have been playing a vicious (and) religious tug-of-war with my parents. Although widely “liberal” when it comes to the life choices of their daughter, my decision for forgo the family “faith” in lieu of a more meaningful relationship with God is causing great conflict. It is hurtful to hear such "slander" from my own parents, and to have them look at you with contempt because you are not “perfect” and therefore have “no right” to consider yourself a Christian. (And if I were to revert back to my Catholic faith, would this give me license to be a worse person?)

I love my parents more than anything. I respect them and am grateful to everything they have done for me. But the fact is, I’m not a child any longer and that I am capable of making decisions on my own. If not now, when? They cannot keep living my life for me, nor can they condemn me for the mistakes I make. My decisions, my mistakes, are my own and I have none to blame but myself, and nothing to regret.

If there is anything I am to be thankful to God for this year, it was the restoration that He brought to my family. This past year has been the HAPPIEST in my life. I never felt more like part of a family, a family I would never trade for all the riches, comforts, and conveniences in the world. It saddens me that when all has been settled and healed, the very faith to which I accord this restoration to is now being attacked.

Do I not come visit when you ask? Do I not drop everything to be with you? Forget that I was unable to join you ONCE.. I try my best to make time for you. In all the years you’ve known me.. With my constant drive for independence, am I not most available to you NOW?

When I surrendered my life to God, I also gave my commitment to serve Him. I cannot, in good conscience, abandon that commitment at the drop of a hat just to please my parents. Not for something as trivial as lunch. And I did offer my Saturday and Monday to make up for not being able to spend time with them. I know that family is important, and that family matters, but I also know that GOD IS ABOVE ALL THINGS, family included.

This morning, I contemplated on returning the car. I still don’t know what to do about it. I know that what frustrates my parents more than anything is the fact that they can’t do anything about my decision. I am, after all, on my own. I don’t need their support, especially not their money. What I’m asking from my family isn’t anything superficial: love, understanding, acceptance. That’s all. I am not perfect, and I never will be, but with God’s grace I’m trying my best.

In my family, my father’s side especially, it is not unheard of to disown relatives because they changed religion. I knew that full well, and I am willing to accept the consequences of my decision. (Though my father and mother forsake me, the LORD will receive me. Psalm 27:10). The drift may be temporary, or permanent, but God’s got my back. :) I am confident that He’s teaching me something, equipping me for something I cannot yet understand.

Oh, well. This is an exciting time indeed.

____________________
One thing I ask of the LORD,
this is what I seek:
that I may dwell in the house of the LORD
all the days of my life,
to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD
and to seek him in his temple.
-Psalm 27:4